Story one

There is no need for this story to be linear, because grief is not so conveniently linear as our simple lives. 

It's been 1,061 days since my mom died. 2 years and 11 months. 

I was reminded of her tonight and an unpleasant task. 

In my 8th grade year, I was once again homeschooled and, with my brother at college, and my dad at work, she and I had our own routine. Every day at lunch we would cook what she called "egg drop soup." It was so far off the actual egg drop soup that the first time at a traditional restaurant, I ordered it and was vastly disappointed, because it wasn't my mom's. 

I don't know where she got the recipe, but regardless, we made it every day, and it was my job to sort through the pillow case sized bag of spinach from Costco. She liked/needed to save money, so she bought the  "value" sized bag of spinach, which was more than a family of four could probably eat in a month.      

It was my job to sort through the slimly, mostly rotten, long-stemmed pieces of spinach and pinch off the stems, throw out the slimy ones and throw the good ones in the boiling pot of water. I HATED it, but I LOVED her version of egg drop soup. 

My mom could make soups that were out of this world. With her creativity and ability to use what she had, she made the most delicious and unreplicable soups. My dad had this had this habit of ooing and awing and asking what the recipe was and she'd just shrug and say, "I don't know, but you'll never have it again." My dad was an annoying planner and this was her way of saying, "Live in the goddam moment, Joe, most good things can't be replicated, just enjoyed as they are." 

We had hundreds of versions of her egg drop soup over the years, none the same, but all good, and I learned to make my own the way I liked it, which I can't even replicate it myself. 

Though I am divorced now, the kindest act of love my ex-husband (who wasn't a chef, or even a cook), ever exhibited was, the night we all came back from the hospital from saying goodbye to my mom's body, was he. completely unprompted, made us all my mom's egg drop soup. It was horrible and nothing like hers, but the love he showed; that he knew the recipe from heart from 10 years of me teaching it to, and making it for, him, his sweet heart knew it was the thing to do. It was a moment of sincere love in the midst of tragedy, bringing my mom and her healing soup to us all, that will never be forgotten. 

I know she would hate this, but mom, every time I sort through my slimy spinach because I refuse to waste it, I think of you. 

Politics With Empathy

"You don't get concern about human rights and social justice and so on without empathy being at the heart of it." - Roman Krznaric

"If you don't bring empathy into politics, what do you get? You get the Holocaust. You get things like the Nuremburg laws where you dehumanize people." Roman Krznaric

Weight. The world is more weighted down than it was a few months ago, and I have begun to carry its weight in my heart. I have opened myself up to the pain around me, in the lives of the people I see in the news, to the stories of humans who I share so much with but have the privilege to pretend that I don't. I sense that the pain in the world that typically lies on the shoulders of those directly experiencing it has begun to be carried by those who have opened themselves to empathy. There are riots in the streets that  consist of many who are not directly affected by the issues they are rioting. Men are marching in women's rights marches, legal residents are defending the rights of immigrants and refugees, white people are rioting against the bigotry shown towards People of Color, and Christians, Jews, and other faiths are fighting for ethical, equal, and equitable treatment of Muslims. Empathy and politics go hand in hand. When I open my heart and begin to visualize that I could be the person whose life is being ripped apart by political oppression, I begin to fight as an ally against the oppressor. 

I have felt an enormous amount of weight lately due to the conversations I have had with people who have vastly different views on the world than I do. It isn't just politics, it's personal. I see dark things happening to human beings and my heart breaks because I am a human being and we are the same. We have the same capacity for the feelings of despair, agony, love, joy, family, etc. I have the privilege to turn my face away, while they do not. While talking to people who see these issues as just politics, I become angry and hurt, but I don't want to add more hurt by lashing out at them. I recently watched a short video on Facebook called, "How to Disagree" and this quote jumped out at me:  "The true reason we get angry when people don't agree with us is because they've invalidated our emotions, like our feelings don't matter. It's because they've invalidated our sense of the world like they think our worldview is stupid" (Ooi, 2017). I feel that this is why I become so angry when people disagree with me, because many of them are arguing that I have no valid reason to feel the way I do, which is insulting. I realize, in very difficult humility, that this goes both ways and I need to work on validating their world view as well and asking them to share with me the basis for their views and beliefs. 
My mom is a wonderful example of this practice. She has political beliefs that she keeps to herself, but she is open to the fact that others have valid reasons for believing the way that they do. She finds people fascinating and this leads to her asking questions about their feelings on issues. Even if she doesn't agree with them she will still find something positive to affirm, such as saying that she admires how much courage it takes to stand up for what you believe in. I honestly don't know how she does it, but I hope that one day I can learn to be as empathetic, accepting, and encouraging as she is. 


Empathy is difficult because it is hard to make a choice to thrust yourself into pain. Humans mainly deal with pain that is forced on them and they do everything in their will to make it end as fast as possible. To be empathetic is to take pain on that was not given to you, in addition to your own pain, because it is the right, moral, and decent thing to do. To take it on not in the hope that you will eventually receive good back, but because it will make the world a better and more beautiful place for the entire race of humans which inhabit it. Empathy is exhausting, anguishing, and full of grief, but it is needed for the rights of humans everywhere to be won and protected. 

Resources: 

A. (2016, November 18). Roman Krznaric: How Empathy Can Change the World. Retrieved February 02, 2017, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLHZ5BuCzJw


Ooi, X. (2017, January 23). How to Disagree. Retrieved February 02, 2017, from https://www.facebook.com/xandriaooi/videos/1200822910013852/?pnref=story

Behavioral vs Personality Inventories

In our Human Relations class, we have been learning about behavioral styles, with a main focus on the behavioral model by Bolton. This model consists of a quick inventory asking whether you are "more" or "less" likely to exhibit a certain behavior and then assigns you a specific category. The categories are based on a graph that has levels of assertiveness on the x-axis and levels of emotional responsiveness on the y-axis. After you take the inventory, you are placed in a quadrant based on your levels of assertiveness and emotional responsiveness. The categories are Driver (more assertiveness, less emotional responsiveness), Expressive (more assertiveness, more emotional responsiveness), Analytical (less assertiveness, less emotional responsiveness) and Amiable (less assertiveness, more emotional responsiveness). 

I was curious about other types of inventories so I looked up two personality inventories; the DiSC and the MBTI. The name DiSC comes from the term "Self Discription" (DiSC Profile) and the MBTI stands for "Myers Briggs Type Indicator." These differ from Bolton's inventory because these are personality tests rather than behavioral tests. With Bolton's model, you are asked to answer the questions based on how you feel others see you, where with the DiSC and the MBTI you are asked to base your answers off how you see yourself. When you take the DiSC, you take an inventory that is similar to Bolton's and you get similar answers as well. You're put into a quadrant and given terms that are similar to Driver, Expressive, Analytical and Amiable. If you pay a fee, you can get more in depth results that will show where you are in a circle with quadrants and to which side of the circle you are leaning. I think this might be useful but I didn't want to pay to find out more results. The MBTI is another personality test that takes a bit longer to fill out but gives you a more thorough answer, for free. This test tells you whether you have Introverted or Extroverted tendencies, whether you have Intuitive or Sensing, Thinking or Feeling, and Judging or Perceiving tendencies. 

I liked all of the assessments but I prefer how Bolton focuses on your behaviors rather than hypothesizing about your personality. Personality is subjective and is extremely difficult to ascertain, while behaviors can be taken at face value. In the work place, I think that this is useful because you can work to adapt your behaviors and flex to work with other behaviors without having to guess at WHY the behaviors are happening. Hypothesizing why someone does what they do can lead to messy situations and assuming things that may not be true. For example, perhaps you have a co-worker who has been coming in every morning with a grumpy demeanor. If you were focusing on personality you may start thinking things like, "Do they hate their job? Are the mad at me? Is their coffee maker broken? Did they have a fight with another coworker? Etc." If you focus on behaviors, however, you could notice their behavior and adjust yours accordingly, simply thinking, "I see that they're grumpy, I'll adjust my behavior to be more patient with them and check in with them at lunch to see how they're doing." 

Focusing on behaviors is also useful because it is easier for a group of people to adapt their behavior to be flexible with many different types of situations and people. Taking behavioral inventories can be useful in a work situation because it can give insight into how to work well with other people. For instance, in the phase this quarter, it has been so useful to know the behavioral inventories of my classmates. I can think, "I'm an Expressive and so-and-so is an Analytical, so I will focus on being more patient around them and giving them time to process their thoughts and share their ideas." What an awesome tool to have to help me understand how people behave and how to adapt my behaviors to theirs to provide a more cohesive work environment! 

I think that personality inventories also have their place in the world, but I feel like they are more valuable to an individual to help them understand their behaviors, or could be useful in a small group setting in which there was an opportunity for close-knit relationships. 

Citations:
DiSC Profile - What is DiSC®? The DiSC personality test explained. (n.d.). Retrieved January 20, 2017, from https://www.discprofile.com/what-is-disc/overview/

The Myers & Briggs Foundation - MBTI® Basics. (n.d.). Retrieved January 20, 2017, from http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/

Fourteen and a half years, a decade and a half, three quarters of my life.

Maybe I'll write more later. I'm finding it hard to wrap my mind around the fact that she's gone, when I'm so far away. Her death is not immediate to me. But when I go home, she won't be there to run up to me, growl a hello and dance her little butt around while trying to lick me to death. It will hit from time to time, now just to wait and embrace the memories when they come.

I miss you, Wussy Dog.

Overwhelmed.

One of the most important things I've learned about myself, I learned from my mom:

If I'm angry, overwhelmed, tired, complaining, on the brink of tears, irritable, frustrated, you name it...take a pause, a deep breath, evaluate just how exhausted I am, and go straight to sleep. Ok...soooo am I all of the things I listed above? Yes. Should I be letting ANY words come out of my brain? Absolutely not. Am I going to anyway? Yep.

I despise being dramatic and I hate complaining, so I'm always wary of what I say. The other half of me doesn't really give a care what anyone thinks and they can just stuff their faces if they don't want to read what I have to say. Got that?

I had a rough day today. First busy day at work, insane rushes of huge groups of people and I had one other person to help me on the grill. It was exhausting. One order we got was for like 17 people at once. Anyway, it was exhausting. I'm exhausted. I've been working for 9 days now and have 6 more to go before I have a day off. I'm on the brink of tears just thinking about it. I was made the supervisor of the Grill yesterday, which I am really excited about. I get to help train 8 new grill employees tomorrow and next week, which is a daunting but totally fun thing to look forward to. Basically, I'm not complaining. I love my job. It's incredible. I love working hard and coming to the end of the long day being exhausted and knowing that I worked with everything in me and had an awesome day. I'm learning so much about myself. About integrity, about gathering strength from God when I don't have enough to keep going, about doing my best to be kind to people even when I'm busy or tired (still working a lot on that one, lol), about patience, patience, patience. Most of all, the most amazing thing that I've realized is that I am in control of how I react to circumstances, they do not control me. This is amazing. I can have a great day every day if I want to have one, which I do, every day. Even today, so many things happened that normally I would have let ruin my day. Just stupid little things piling up, but I didn't let them bug me. I'm tired, but so, so happy.

God is absolutely overwhelming me with his love. I walked out of work tonight and smelled the fresh air and saw the beautiful stars and asked God why he blesses me so much. I made the mistake of thinking that God's blessings means he loves me, which I know is true, but that's a really bad "thermometer" to go by. He loves me all the time, his blessings are just the icing on the cake. I realized though, that maybe what I think is him blessing me is really just my outlook on the life he's given me. Even the negative things I thank him for because that's when I grow the most. So, I see those as the biggest blessings. I think I realize now is that the biggest gift he's helped me to develop is my positive outlook on life. No matter what, I always see it as good. He is good. He loves me constantly no matter how much I mess up, which I've done a ton, and he just...yea. Like I said, I'm overwhelmed. The words aren't coming anymore, so I'm just going to go take a shower and go to sleep. God is absolutely beautiful. He fills me to the fullest all the time, no matter what. I've seen his love for me out here more than I ever have before in my life. Absolutely overwhelming. I love it.

Pure ridiculosity. =D

I am so ridiculously, wonderfully, astronomically happy right now. It should be against the law to be this excited about life. =D

I love being ALIVE and living my life. I don't just exist anymore. It's faaaaaantastic! I worked a lot today and am pretty much exhausted from going, going, going lately so who knows why on earth I am so WIDE awake right now. Probably a tad over tired. :)

I was just looking at my pictures of Pike's Peak and realized that I would probably be the only one who would be so very excited to see all the pictures of the amazing rock forms I saw. :P I love Geology SO much. You have no idea. Well, some of you do. :) Colorado has to be one of the most amazing places to live for a rock nerd like myself. I swear I get whiplash every time I'm riding in a car...I see a rock wall and *bam* my head whips around to watch it go by. Sean knows me so well that he saw me do that and pulled over to the side of the road immediately so I could get out and look at it more closely. It was great. :) Basically every day here consists of me going "OMG OMG ROCKS, ROCKS, ROCKS!!!!" Yea...you can hear me saying that can't you. :P Except for the OMG part...I only say that to mock little pre teens who actually say that.

On our way to Pike's Peak we saw a moraine lake and I was like "Dude!! I know what that is!" that and the PP granite being so porous which lets water in and then the water freezes which creates frost wedging, which is PP granite has no market value. The glacier chapter in my Geology class was by far one of my favorites. I cannot wait to get back into a Geology classroom. I am so incredibly glad that I am out here in Colorado experiencing my love for rocks and all things geology instead of just sitting in a classroom learning about it. Whenever I see anticlines and synclines on the side of the road I just stare in awe... "That's it! Right there!! That's the squish! That's THE squish!!! Holy cow..." It's SO FREAKING AMAZING!!!! I'm living my dream. =D You should have seen me when I found muscovite all over the ground. Huge chunks in it's pure mineral form. Some of them were even better than the classroom examples in my college Geology class. It was ridiculously awesome.

I can't believe that I finally fit somewhere. I've found my passion for life. I honestly wasn't sure if I ever would. I've always been a "jack of all trades" in my educational paths. I was interested in everything and good at everything and more often than not I would find something that I thought I would want to do with my life. It never lasted though. The passion which was never really there would go away quickly and I'd be back in square one again. The first day I sat in my Geology class, it just slapped me in the face and woke my life up. Geology was what I was made to do. It's my love and adventure. I can't wait to learn all there is to know. It drives me nuts to be out somewhere and only remember half of something. I want to know EVERYTHING there is to know about Geology.

I had more to say but I'm definitely crashing and don't even really know what I'm typing right now. Definitely time for sleep. :)

Cherry flavored anything.

I'm sitting in my room, alone, doing absolutely nothing for the first time in about a week. It's niiiiice. I love spending time with people here like you wouldn't believe but it's hard sometimes getting used to being non introverted. :)

I have officially been here for four weeks. One month. It feels like a week. The next three months are going to go by way too fast. I've really gotten to know people and such in the last week though, before that I spent most of my time alone.

I love the people here. They are all so friendly and nice, it's like a gigantic family. Everyone knows everyone...and everything. :P The only people I have troubles with are the ones I have to be extra polite to. But that's just me and my issues with patience.

I've found out recently that I really don't like being treated hmm, how do I say this...like, a lady? All the chivalry crap is not only lost on me but it bugs the crap out of me. I want to be treated like an equal, like a friend, nothing more. It makes me uncomfortable to be a special case. This one guy in the kitchen (nice thai guy from previous posts) tries to do everything for me and I just want to slap him upside the head. It's such a relief when I am around people who don't treat me like this.

I finally get to go make chocolate chip cookies with my friend Karen!! You have no idea how excited I am!!! NO IDEA! Really. Seriously. You couldn't possibly imagine. Ever. really. don't even try.

Last night I had the best dinner since I've gotten here. Turkey, sweet potatoes, stuffing, gravy, and apple cobbler. I almost died. Tonight though, it shall be cookie dough. :P

My friend, Sean, pointed out to me that if you work in the Snow Mountain Ranch Food Services, you are one of the many SMRFS. :P Wearing a blue work shirt with a white apron only accentuates the awesomeness of this factoid.

I'm eating an apple right now off the core. I haven't done that pretty much ever. I hate eating fruit like that.

I have discovered Sack Lunches. Best idea ever. You sign up for a lunch, it's ready by 1:00 and I don't have to starve when I don't have any food to eat after my 4:30 dinner! It's awesoommme.

Apparently I will be working in The Grill this summer. It's like a little...grill..thing up in the main building. Yea, descriptive, I know. But I get to avoid the hundreds of people going through commons this summer, which sounds good to me.

I miss Seattle. The waterfront, the saltwater, the energy...mmm. I do not, however, miss Covington. At all. :P I wish I had my car too.

I'm very much enjoying my life here. I would say that I miss everyone out there but to be honest, I don't. I know that's a horrible thing to say and I pretty much constantly feel like a jerk

but I'm not going to lie to peoples' faces and say "ohhh I miss you too!!!" It's such a relief to be free. I have a hard time hiding that. I used to care about people's feelings too much but I think I jumped to the other side of the ditch too quickly and don't care enough anymore. I'm working on it though, don't worry. I'm trying to learn to live in moderation instead of the all or nothing, hot/cold mentality I'm used to. It's sloooowww going in some ways but I'm also doing pretty well in other ways.

All of those years of American Sign Language have paid off. I never realized before I got here how skilled I am at reading body language. It's especially helpful around the Thai people when I can't understand what the heck they're trying to tell me. I pick up on non verbal cues and can almost always tell what's going on. It's nice around people I don't know very well, to be able to pick up on what someone isn't saying to me. I always leave room for error and correction so I don't make an assumption that isn't true.

I have two days off, tomorrow and Thursday. Sweeeeet. I'm going to hopefully spend most of Thursday in the Craft Shop here because it's the bomb. I have a bunch of creative energy building up in me. Steve-O showed me how to wood burn and I loved it. Must. do. more. :)

Time to go make cookies! Peace!