Hope

Hope means I'm holding on to you.
Grace means you're holding me too.

Painted Red.
JJ Heller

nonsensical thoughts

The commercials on this radio station are lasting forEVER. Shut UP!
There are Christmas lights in my windows downstairs and it looks loooovely.
I looked through a whole bunch of old photo albums today and it brought back so many memories. :)
I realized that almost all of my memories immediately revolve around smell and then touch, but almost never sound...
Seriously!! These commercials have been going for almost 15 minutes!! Ah, there we go.
I had a really, really great childhood.
I really like Christmas lights. :) Like REALLY.
I'm getting really interested in Psychology and I'm actually looking forward to going back to school in January!
My mom and I are decorating our house tomorrow!
I had such a great day today. :) Only one hour of class, going through pictures and sharing stories with mitch, having bible study, getting down Christmas boxes, putting up lights, etc. :)
I realize that I don't cry as much as I should. I suppress crying when I'm around people and then it just kind of builds up.
I tear up really easily, I hadn't realized I was still that emotional.
I miss my Grandma and Grandpa Sanford.
I realized today that photography mean a lot to me, as an expression and a preserver of memories. I think I'll pick it up again.
Hahahaha! Savage Garden is on.

Roses for a memory

The memories come as the spread of a bud,
each petal to its own.
Some delicate and sweet or dark and rich,
each petal to its own.
The memories stay, growing strong and firm,
the petals owning each.
As time goes on, the fading comes,
the petals owning each.
Save the best and press them deep,
protecting in each petal.
The heart and blossom will ever carry,
protecting in each petal.

Thank goodness for kleenex tissues

And other things of course! :)
I've been thinking a lot today about things that I'm thankful for (I wonder why) and here are a few of them, from BIG to small. I give full credit to God for giving me so much to be thankful for, for blessing me in every way and for allowing my life to run smoothly. Of course, I'm also thankful to Him for turning the not so smooth situations into some of the biggest learning experiences so far in my life. I thank Him for hearing me, listening to me and answering so many of my prayers over the last year, and especially in the last few months.

Ooook, where to begin....

I'm so thankful that my mom is so healthy! It's been gradual so it's kind of hard to notice, but when I take the time to think back to how she (and we) used to live, I'm almost blown away. My mom is done surviving and is finally living. This makes me happier than almost anything in my life.

I'm thankful for my dad, who is stronger than any man I have ever met. It amazes me how God strengthens him, and how...selfless my dad is. How loving, how...supportive. He and my mom are incredible examples of God's love for me.

I'm thankful that my parents trust me. The offer me advice when I want it and I know they're always there for me, but the level of respect and confidence they have for and in me, is so nice.

I'm thankful for my friend, my brother, Galen. It used to be brother and then friend, but it's the opposite now. I think of him as my friend first, and not of a friend who is obligated to be so because he's my brother. This guy is so cool. He travels the world and takes chances, which, bit by bit is encouraging me to do the same. He's the only one in the world who knows exactly what I'm talking about when I complain about...my um...amazing parents...cough..haha, when they're being just plain normal. He's there for me to talk to, even (and especially) when he's off in Korea. I'm so proud of him for following his dreams, and finding out what they are, and being impulsive instead of being one of those people who always just talks about what they want to do and never follows through. Every year I grow, I find parts of me looking like certain attributes of his, and this makes me happy. Galen, you are the one person, other than myself, who will end up pushing me to my limits, and I'll be all the better for it. Thanks. :)

I'm thankful, so, so thankful that I did not end up going to Whitworth this year. I was so not ready to "go to college" yet, I could barely handle what I had at home. Whitworth was not the place for me to be, I never should have settled just to follow society's "norms." I now am now beginning on the long lifetime road of NOT going into debt, and I'm very proud of myself. I'm thankful that I can stay at home, grow in God, live a healthy life, not go into debt, still take college classes and challenge my brain, while relaxedly figuring out where and what I want to do with my life. I'm thankful for the challenge that staying home presented me with and how I grew so, so much through having my life turn 180 degrees in just a day. I'm thankful for God being with me through all of that and for being faithful to me and giving me immense peace and a hope and excitement for my future. :)

I'm thankful for Mitch. I only met him this summer, but these last 5 months have been...an intense ride. Through going out and breaking up and being friends through it all, Mitch has incredibly influenced and challenged how I think about things. In some ways, he's unknowingly made me realize where I stand on certain things and he's frequently knowingly challenged my thoughts to make me firmly know what I believe. And in still other ways, he's presented an entirely new perspective to my stubborn, anal tendencies and I've actually adjusted how I think and live. It's hard to sum up how thankful I am for Mitch...
I don't want to concentrate on the boyfriend attributes, because that's not really who we are anymore...lately he's been being an amazing friend to me. I guess, when I think about Mitch, the most outstanding things I see in him are patience and unconditional love. I can't really explain much about it, but he knows. This, I am thankful for. :)

I'm thankful that through Mitch, I have gotten to know and become a part of his interesting and wonderful family. I'm thankful for the way they accepted me (and still do even now) and how they love me. :) I love them all so much. :)

I'm thankful for my friends. After we all started college, I expected to grow away, but instead we've grown closer, and for that, I am SO thankful for. :) Lol, and I'm thankful they didn't all stop talking to me when I was going through my "poor pitiful me, im all alone and i have no friends" stage. It must have been irritating. Sorry guys!

I'm thankful that my life is starting to pick up out of the doldrums.

I'm thankful that I don't hate Green River and that I'm actually learning things in my classes.

I'm thankful that God loves me so much and shows me such mercy and patience. I'm learning so much. :)

I'm thankful for Friday morning Bible study.

I'm thankful for dreams, hope and artistic expression.

I'm thankful that I'm learning to work hard for what you want.

I'm thankful for learning about myself and what I want to do with my life.

I'm thankful that I'm learning to look at the big picture and not being so near sighted.

I'm thankful for learning opportunities.

I'm thankful that I'm FINALLY GROWING UP! (And loving it!! lol, well, most of the time)

I'm thankful that my optimism and imagination has come back to me.

I'm thankful that my Senior year was such an amazing one.

I'm thankful that I am DONE with high school FOREVER!

I'm thankful that I got to go to DC this year, and that my life changed dramatically because of it.

I'm thankful that I actually like being around and with my parents now. :)

I'm thankful for growth.

I'm thankful for holidays that make you stop and realize what you're thankful for.

I'm thankful that my family has stayed so close throughout the years and hasn't fallen apart.

I'm thankful for being content with the important things and not content other things, because that's what keeps me striving for the future.

I'm thankful for perspective.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to volunteer at the city hall.

I'm thankful for all the time I have to live.

I'm thankful for trials and just plain frustrating situations, because I learn so much through them.

I'm thankful that I actually can't think of anything superficial to be thankful for and that everything I am thankful for is a direct result of what God's been doing in me. =D

Haha, I'm thankful for blogging, to be able to use it as a creative outlet and a way to communicate with the people I love.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

-Rachel.

:)

Note to self.

If I ever have a cat, I will name him Caspian.

and so it seems

I ask for patience and opportunities to practice patience appear.
I ask for strength and opportunities to shape my strength present themselves.
I yearn to be closer to God and learn all I can about him and suddenly my life becomes one big, fat, life lesson and I see God in a million new ways.
I don't know why I ever thought that this would be easy. I would never be able to appreciate something that I achieved easily. I can't blame anyone or complain. I asked for this and I'm going to take full advantage of it. I've never been tested like this before, it's crazy. I've usually lived a nice, calm and unassuming Christian life, hiding from challenges and things that would cause me to grow. Now I'm asking to be thrown head over heels and God is like "alrighty!" He doesn't kid around. But in a weird and twisted way, I've never been more unhappy and happy at the same time. I'm finally somewhat mature enough for God to be able to entrust me with certain little things and that knowledge alone brings a sense of accomplishment.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Growth

I am overwhelmed by the love in my life.
It's flowing from every corner of my world, from my Rock and my Confidant, from every person that is close to me.
I can't possibly deserve it..but I don't know, I guess that's what love is. I've had such a difficult week, I'm emotionally exhausted but my heart feels like it's swelling to capacity right now. I've grown so much this week, I've learned more about myself, God, and my relationships in such a short period of time. I can't even explain what God means to me right now, but I am closer to him now than I have been in years. I am seeking him and waiting on him, following his lead for my life. I'm trusting him utterly and completely, down to the very essence of who I am in him. I'm growing and I'm trusting, and he is proving himself faithful, to a point which I have never experienced before. I am fulfilled in him, in every essence of the word. There is a quote from moulin rouge, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." I'm actually thinking that might be true. Love is greater than most people give it credit for, they cheapen it by creating different societal definitions. But for me, the kind of love I'm seeking to give and to receive is the love that is true and pure. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails."

1 corinthians 13:4-8

God IS love. He is all I need and this love is what I'm striving for.

"Drifting"- Bebo Norman

Sometimes when I'm all alone
I don't know if I can
Take another breath
Some say home is where the heart is
Tell me where my home is
'Cause i'm scared to death

Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams

I am drifting in the deep end
Holding on to your hand
Is all that saves me now
Life can treat you like a beggar
You hold me together
But I don't know how

Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams


Some say home is where the heart is
And my heart is in your hands
You are all I need

Rising from the ashes
Lifting from the madness
Now you see my heart is
Deep enough to dream
Heal me from the deathblow
Lead and I will follow
Now you feel my heart glow
Mending at the seams

Things I love

Making new friends
Having classes cancelled
Taking random and silly pictures with Mitch
Singing along to music
Hearing my favorite song on the radio
The Newsies soundtrack
Old school movies
Eating dark chocolate
Blogging
Having social interaction with my friends and actually becoming closer after high school
Running into random people
Going on adventures!!!
Seeing my friends!! ( I can't WAIT to see hannah tomorrow and Becky on Saturday!! And anja soon and danielle soon too I hope)
Having an insatiable thirst for knowledge
Learning how to play the piano

In other news..

Well it's always nice to learn new things about yourself, right? Like, apparently, when involved in some form of confrontation, I get extremely physically ill. Even just thinking about it right now is making my stomach hurt.

In other news, I got a new toothbrush and I'm pretty sure I know who I'm voting for. Pshh, finally, it only took me like a year. (The choice of candidates, not getting a new toothbrush.) I still need to do some more research on the candidates though, and I'm kind of taking the "lesser of two evils" approach. Pretty much nothing could stop me from voting though, I've been looking forward to this right as an American Citizen for over a year now. That's why it's been so hard for me to not know who I'm voting for. I want to vote so badly but i refuse to do it just for the sake of voting, without a clear and definite reason behind my actions. I refuse to be an apathetic or just plain lazy voter. I'm taking this extremely seriously, making sure that I'm making the right decision on who I think will do the best (or simply less..worse) job of leading our country.

Life is really exciting for me right now. My thirst for knowledge has been awakened in me again, through my psychology and political science classes, and I really can't get enough information. Usually I'm interested in things but I never actually pursue finding the information. Now, however, I'm actually researching things and asking questions and reading up on specific ideas, facts, theories and information. Life is fascinating, not only learning how the world around me works (in a political and psychological way) but on a personal level as well. I'm learning, growing and changing in myself, in my relationships and in God. I still don't know why my life took the course it did, with me staying here instead of going off to Whitworth, but for the first time in the past 6 or so weeks, I feel like God is awakening things inside of me and is beginning to show me why he has me here at this stage in my life. I'm actually really looking forward to what he has in store for me, because I know it's going to be good. :)

And again

cabin fever
n. Boredom, restlessness, or irritability that results from a lack of environmental stimulation, as from a prolonged stay in a remote, sparsely populated region or a confined indoor area.

My life is a cabin and the fever is my way of escape.

Right now I'm just going insane. I'm living my life the same way, doing the same things, expecting different results that will never come.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein

Inspiration is building

I want to fly in a bazillion directions at once
I want the colors, words and movements to burst out of me like they were born with wings.
I want to dance like an autumn leaf in a windstorm
to throw my hands up and have expressions of color flow from my palms,
surrounding me as I twirl and jump in the torrent of leaves,
their colors as numerous as my spinning dreams.
I want to be me again.
Free as the wind,
unstable as the changing seasons.

wrestling with myself

The artistry inside cries out from within me
I reply, with regret, "I have not the means to set you free.
I am no poet, nor dancer, nor musical genius
nor painter or singer or writer of lore."
But, it replies, you are an artist, you have the ability to
capture the world in your heart and set your love in motion.
Gather the words before you and paint them in rhythm,
let the movements of joy course through your body,
gather the notes of color and release them through your fingers.
You were born with the desire to encompass your heart and
set it free so the world can share your love for life.
You were born with the capacity to find the means.
Go, set forth, express and be free.