Like sharks circling for the kill.

I feel like marriage is a death sentence. Once I get married, kaput! My life is over. My feet will be trapped in cement and I'll be heading for the bottom of the ocean. WHY would I do that? Why is finding love in another person an ultimate goal that is expected in my life? Blargh. My mind is so fuzzy, thought swirling around, I can't make them out. I was so adamantly upset over something but now I can't remember what it was. Well, that's irritating. My room is a disaster. Why do I live like this?? I hate it with every fiber of my being! I can never STAY organized. My clothes end up on my floor at the end of the day, turning into some monolith of a monster at night and slowly encroaching on the breathing space in my room. Get back, thou foul creature!! The older I get, the less I dream about being married. I want to LIVE first! Find out who I am, go places, see things, be free, irresponsible and independent. I can barely rely on myself, I don't want anyone relying on me, husband, child or otherwise. I'm sure it's great once you're older, yada yada yada, but what's the rush? Oh wait, there isn't one! Marriage is for people who have nothing better to do with their lives but settle down and punch out babies. Ok, yes. Extreme. Forgive if I offended you, I'm just irritated and this is my blog and I can say whatever I darn well please. This post has no point. Not that anyone reads it anyway, so it's just a place for me to vent. I could have said in many less words: I'M IRRITATED WITH THE WORLD AND IRRITATED WITH MYSELF FOR BEING SO IRRITATED. End of story. Goodnight.


I've had this blog for four years. I went back and read some of my first posts. I was so full of joy and happiness. I was surrounded by a group of people who loved me and I loved being with. Now I'm lonely, bitter, easily irritated, tired all the time and constantly trying to change all of that. Half of that is lies. I always concentrate on my negative attributes. I think my main problem is that I'm trying to save myself. I know that's impossible, and I know who can save me, but I don't know how to let Him.